Healthy, Happy And Hurting

I know, that title hardly makes any sense. How can one be healthy, happy and hurting altogether? Usually when I sift through my mind and try to summarise my general state of being from all the thoughts and feelings I’ve gathered, I come up with the answer of broken or whole, content or anxious, in a good place or in a terrible place or just not even in a place. It’s like a constant question my heart keeps asking me is, “Are we okay? Will I keep beating?” There have been times my head undoubtedly screamed yes and other times where my head uncertainly, quietly whispered no. Today in asking myself that question again, as I seem to do most days, my answer is a blend.

Looking back to the past has its benefits. As I was paging through photos from the past decade up until now my head relived some of those times comparing them to now. Comparing my new self to my old self. While I stared back at the younger me I felt like I still knew her so well but that I also no longer am or know her at all, I just remember what it was like to walk in her shoes. And in realising that, I felt both loss and gain. I may be sounding very vague right now in this ambivalence so let me clarify.

I have been waking up every day for this year thinking the answer to my heart’s constant question is a no. No, because I subjected my heart to once again being shredded by a man, I subjected my heart to the striking blow of failure, I subjected it to days of doubt and immense sadness and I’ve subjected it to regret. The person typing all this right now has a heart that is in the state of the after effects of all that subjectivity and so, of course in its frazzled state my answer to it every morning is no. No, we are not okay. We are just trying to be. Possibly, we are even living in a facade of “okayness” that’s bound to come crashing down inevitably. But then I see myself a couple of years ago, I really see myself, and I feel the feelings she felt and remember the thoughts that she had and I realise, she really didn’t know the answers to any outcomes she thought she had predicted. She had predicted pain, yes. And she was right in that sense, yes. But pain, she should’ve realised, is never a defining factor of her heart’s question of “Will we be okay? Will I keep beating?” Pain is a constant one lives with. 

There will always be pain. Always. In some form or another. I don’t believe there is a constant period of absolute bliss in one’s head and heart. Not even a day of absolute bliss. So if that is your life goal, you may want to give up on that now. Absolutes all too often don’t exist. In addition what I realised was how little the life you’re living and the one you’re striving for is the goal of happiness. Why? Because it’s unpredictable, not a constant and even chaotic at times. So what do we do to live? We shift our focus to our state of mind and leave behind our focus on the environment we find ourselves in. We work towards a healthy mind and then we can withstand the chaos and walk in peace right within it.

I lived a life of having a depressed mind with distorted views, misconceptions and immense anxiety of feeling out of control of my life and what I wanted, where I was supposed to be and the fact that I wasn’t. I remember the depths of the depths I was submerged in in the pain. I will never forget that intense pain when I was at my very worst state in depression and comparing that to the person I am now, I am beyond thankful for not being in that place anymore and I know how to not ever be in that place again by changing the way my mind thinks and views its state of being and shifting my focus. So I realise, I am now indeed healthy and in that healthiness there is happiness and amidst that, I am still hurting, but I am okay. I am good. 

You Have To Love Someone Without Fear

You have to love someone without fear. You have to trust in things you can’t always see. Sometimes you have to walk with a blindfold on. You won’t always know where you’re going. There’s never a guarantee.

When we love, there’s always the risk of a bruised heart. Egos take a few steps back. Loving someone requires belief in the unbelievable. It requires leaping without looking. It means being scared, but going for it anyway. It means knowing things might not work out, but giving it a shot.

You have to love someone without fear. You have to find the courage to open yourself up to another human being. You need to learn to be okay with vulnerability. Doesn’t mean it’s easy. Doesn’t mean the nerves won’t find you. But fear will hold you back from fully loving, and from being fully loved.

There’s an entire world waiting for you. There’s a universe that exists just for you and another person. Exploration means bravery. It means taking a dive. It means holding out your hands and hoping someone will grab onto them. Love means hoping someone is going to catch you. Love is thinking they will. Love is giving it a damn chance.

Maybe you’ll be hurt. Maybe they’ll be days when your walls are thicker than the desire to let someone in. I understand. Letting someone see you is frightening. Letting someone love you, love every single piece of you is daunting.

There’s a quote widely attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt that says, “Do one thing every day that scares you.”

Let that thing be love.

You have to love someone without fear, even if it’s there in the beginning. It’s okay to be afraid, but don’t let that close you off. Don’t let fear dictate what you do, or who you love, or how you love.

The hardest things to do often become things we’re forever grateful for. Love is no exception.

Love someone without fear. Even if it’s the scariest thing you’ll ever do.

Tell Me… (Personal Poem)

Tell me…

Was this the life you wanted? Or did you make too many mistakes

Leading to a twisting path and feelings of dreadful hate

Was this the life you wanted to live and would you be brave enough to change?

Could you find the courage to jump the ship when you’ve boarded the wrong one sailing to a destiny that wasn’t yours to take

I understand if you can’t or won’t, because I couldn’t do it either

Sometimes you’ve just sailed too far and it’s not something you get to cry over

So on this ship I charge ahead with the salt and winds blowing in my face

Because if I threw myself overboard I would drown without a trace

Is this then the end of my heart-filled dreams and desires I cannot control

Because all I wanted and all I needed wasn’t on this ship I boarded

But you don’t get to climb a mountain and then suddenly walk back down

It’s a journey that you consciously chose and you need to earn its crown

Even if you hate the days and the cold winds seep into your bones

You’ve got to make this journey your own and in it find something that belongs to your heart alone

Finding even a speck of love or beauty that you desire…

It just has to now become enough and with a goal that leaves you inspired

I know it’s hard and you feel sea sick but just hold on to the sides

Because perhaps one day you’ll arrive at shore and be thankful you embraced the tides

Could you ever be this wonderful being if it wasn’t for the pain

For pain will pass even if storms come and you’ll learn to dance in the rain