I am in therapy. Yes. And no, I am not ashamed to say it. I also take 5 pills in the morning and 2 in the evening to keep my mind from ripping my heart so far apart that I could never put it back together again and am left shattered and confined to a bed for months. I am not ashamed to say that either. Because therapy is a gift to yourself. So I was told, until I realised it’s the truth. And taking medication is vital to your survival because just like everyone else with a chronic illness, I have one too. But some days, I break so hard that all I can do is cry and my heart is too sensitive for the world’s blows. I get tired faster than most and my threshold for stress is lower. That, I am not ashamed of either because it isn’t weakness, it’s symptoms of an illness I have to live with and fight through every single day of my life. The last while has been hard and my heart aches badly for reasons my mind cannot fully grasp. I cannot get up and go to work because I am tired. So very tired. So this week I am working from home. And then I go to therapy and my therapist tries to talk me through ways to lessen the pain and I get frustrated because really, walking in the sun, spending time with my dogs or flirting with some guy on tinder doesn’t ease the pain and difficulty. I know she’s trying and I’m probably making life difficult for her by rejecting all her advice. And then I try to explain to her how real this ache is right now. An ache that spreads right through my heart, soul, flesh and bones and she asks, “Veronike, what is it you need from me? What is it you need that will help you?” And I say, “I don’t know and I think I need to figure that out.” Because really, only you know what will help your aching heart but you’re too afraid to say it and acknowledge it or think about it. So today, through this post I’m asking you, what is it you need so badly to help you survive?
Hasty Dawn Words, another awesome and inspiring blogger wrote these words yesterday;
“It’s hard to ask for what you need. Mostly because you’re not really sure what you need. If you suffer from depression there isn’t really anything you WANT other than to not feel like everything is hopeless.
Yesterday you guys listened and let me know I wasn’t alone. I mean of course I know I’m not but when your depressed just a raised hand in a crowd can stop the spiral you are falling into.
Byron Hamel said to me once, “I’m here if you need me but I need to know exactly and specifically what you need”.
Now I really have to think about that. Depression will rob you of an answer so you have to really search.
-Right now I need attention
-Right now I need to talk to someone
-Right now I need to sit quietly with someone
-Right now I want to sit under a night sky with someone and contemplate life
-Right now I need to not be alone
-Right now I need to hear “I love you”
We are afraid to say what we want. And it hurts us. People say “She just wants attention” as if it’s a horrible thing so we don’t dare ask for it. But really there is nothing wrong with ASKING for it. People act out in drastic ways for attention because we’ve made asking for it a needy and nasty thing to do.
Well I asked for what I needed specifically yesterday and it may have seemed ridiculous to some. As if sending a heart wouldn’t really have value but it does. My brain wanted to tell me nobody would respond. That I’m not worth it. But I stepped out in an effort to prove that voice wrong.
Don’t let your brain bully you.
Thank you for helping my heart speak louder than my brain yesterday ❤️❤️ ”
Such words are powerful. They ignite the will in us to seek help. And now I am asking myself, what is it that I need right now?
I need rest because my mind is weary and my body tired.
I need to feel loved because I feel alone and that makes life so much harder.
I need support. Someone to tell me they’re standing right by my side no matter what happens.
I need someone I can pour out my heart to and cry whatever tears I cannot cry anywhere else.
I need someone to understand and to acknowledge my thoughts and feelings.
I need to just be held. To be hugged.
I need strength of mind and perseverence and so, I need someone to remind me that I am strong and capable and to believe in me.
I need to be selfish now because I am so very tired of pouring energy I don’t have into people.
I need to redefine my goals and set them in a way that will make me willing to try. Because my perceptions get distorted and my mind negates the worth of everything over time and I let it. I believe it and accept it.
I need these things. Mostly, I need to feel cared for and loved and supported and have an ear who will listen. When we cannot carry ourselves we should turn to others to carry us and in return carry them when they need help. That’s what we were meant to do and be for each other and that’s why we weren’t created to be alone.
What if you don’t have anyone to turn too? You find someone. Sometimes people are more willing to listen and help than you think. Even if you email a complete stranger, like me, to pour out your heart. But you go find someone because whatever it is you need so much I guarantee you you need from other people too. And that’s okay. It does not make you clingy or weak or dependent.
It makes you human.