I know, that title hardly makes any sense. How can one be healthy, happy and hurting altogether? Usually when I sift through my mind and try to summarise my general state of being from all the thoughts and feelings I’ve gathered, I come up with the answer of broken or whole, content or anxious, in a good place or in a terrible place or just not even in a place. It’s like a constant question my heart keeps asking me is, “Are we okay? Will I keep beating?” There have been times my head undoubtedly screamed yes and other times where my head uncertainly, quietly whispered no. Today in asking myself that question again, as I seem to do most days, my answer is a blend.
Looking back to the past has its benefits. As I was paging through photos from the past decade up until now my head relived some of those times comparing them to now. Comparing my new self to my old self. While I stared back at the younger me I felt like I still knew her so well but that I also no longer am or know her at all, I just remember what it was like to walk in her shoes. And in realising that, I felt both loss and gain. I may be sounding very vague right now in this ambivalence so let me clarify.
I have been waking up every day for this year thinking the answer to my heart’s constant question is a no. No, because I subjected my heart to once again being shredded by a man, I subjected my heart to the striking blow of failure, I subjected it to days of doubt and immense sadness and I’ve subjected it to regret. The person typing all this right now has a heart that is in the state of the after effects of all that subjectivity and so, of course in its frazzled state my answer to it every morning is no. No, we are not okay. We are just trying to be. Possibly, we are even living in a facade of “okayness” that’s bound to come crashing down inevitably. But then I see myself a couple of years ago, I really see myself, and I feel the feelings she felt and remember the thoughts that she had and I realise, she really didn’t know the answers to any outcomes she thought she had predicted. She had predicted pain, yes. And she was right in that sense, yes. But pain, she should’ve realised, is never a defining factor of her heart’s question of “Will we be okay? Will I keep beating?” Pain is a constant one lives with.
There will always be pain. Always. In some form or another. I don’t believe there is a constant period of absolute bliss in one’s head and heart. Not even a day of absolute bliss. So if that is your life goal, you may want to give up on that now. Absolutes all too often don’t exist. In addition what I realised was how little the life you’re living and the one you’re striving for is the goal of happiness. Why? Because it’s unpredictable, not a constant and even chaotic at times. So what do we do to live? We shift our focus to our state of mind and leave behind our focus on the environment we find ourselves in. We work towards a healthy mind and then we can withstand the chaos and walk in peace right within it.
I lived a life of having a depressed mind with distorted views, misconceptions and immense anxiety of feeling out of control of my life and what I wanted, where I was supposed to be and the fact that I wasn’t. I remember the depths of the depths I was submerged in in the pain. I will never forget that intense pain when I was at my very worst state in depression and comparing that to the person I am now, I am beyond thankful for not being in that place anymore and I know how to not ever be in that place again by changing the way my mind thinks and views its state of being and shifting my focus. So I realise, I am now indeed healthy and in that healthiness there is happiness and amidst that, I am still hurting, but I am okay. I am good.