This week has been one which has started off hard. One in which I needed people close to me to care more about me than they ever did before. But one in which they haven’t. See, I have had a relapse into severe depression after my Doctor halved one of my meds in an attempt to improve my memory and finally start the getting off it process. What does that mean? What does it mean to have a severe depressive relapse? Well let me enlighten you. It means my heart hurts so incredibly badly that I cry in sobs every day and don’t know why. It means my body feels too weak to stand up. It means my mind is overwhelmed with thoughts that make me worry. It means I need the world to stop for a bit before my mind tells my heart too. But what that means for you;
It means you do not get to judge me or push me away
It means you do not get to make this about you
It means you need to encourage me and love me every day
It means you need to be around to sit and listen if my heart feels overwhelmed
It means you need to tell me you love me and hold my hand when I am afraid
It means you need to tell me things will be okay
It means you need to show up. Even if you say or do nothing.
And it means I shouldn’t have to ask for any of this.
It means you need to support me with each step.
It means you need to stick by me through good and bad times.
It really isn’t that excruciatingly hard. I look around me and see people in the hospital having family and friends visit and I see how they are hugged and held and listened too. I see how the same people consistently show up every day. And I wonder why you won’t show up for me even one day. I see how they are still appreciated for the type of people they truly are regardless of whether they are sick and I only hear your distance and silence when it comes to me. I am alone. I have never felt more alone. You are the people who mean the most to me in the world and I’d do anything for you yet you couldn’t even treat me with kindness. You couldn’t even call me and ask me about my day or tell me you love me and things will be okay. You couldn’t even send me a nice text message. There will be many times things are about you and times things will be about us and times things will be about me. The latter is one of those times. Because my heart is both angry and hurt that I am in a forest fighting demons alone and you couldn’t even offer me a flashlight or pack me food for my journey or send me off with a hug. You wanted perfection and that I am not. But what I am is a person who has fought her way through hell and back and kept pushing to get ahead. What I am is a person who loves the hell out of the people around her and always strives to make them laugh. But right now, that person is tired and cannot do those things and needs you to be that. And sadly you aren’t. You still just expect. And that isn’t fair.
I needed one of you to be a boyfriend.
I needed one of you to be a father.
And was that really too much to ask? Because I’ve been disappointed by men too many times and I am tired now.
I just needed you to care