So we have reached the end of this challenge and the last post for it. I missed yesterday again as I was just super busy and tired but finally I have now gotten a chance to answer.
What false beliefs have you had about your illness that you have now overcome?
When you’re depressed you obviously have false beliefs that just come with the illness and you’re completely convinced they’re the reality which is why you feel so shit. You don’t mentally choose to believe them, your heart just tells you that they’re true. I have had much distorted thinking like I’m not worth it or good enough for anything. I have felt like I am too weak to survive the world. I have believed that I am too damaged and I should just be written off and subtracted from life. I’ve felt like all I will ever gain is loss – having my mom die, losing my ultimate dream of being a Veterinarian when I got sick, having a great friend die in Afghanistan, being dumped by guys who couldn’t stand by the three words they so easily and carelessly uttered and having depressive relapses that put me behind where I thought I would be in life by now. Loss kind of became all I knew and I was broken in thinking it’s all I ever will know. I’ve also had issues with my physical appearance thinking I am just so terrible looking or I need to lose more weight. Then there were thoughts of severe anxiety, as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, to the point that I developed OCD which lead me to fear. I was afraid of more things going wrong so I tried to be an absolute perfectionist; in controlling my weight (which ironically was rediculously uncontrolled in starvation), overworking myself at university to make sure I got distinctions, showing up way too early for appointments in case something happened that made me late, thinking up worst case scenarios and catastrophising and a myriad of other things. Right now I have none of these distortions anymore and I am so beyond glad, because when I think back on them all I feel is suffocation and dread. They ruined my life. I still have a low self-esteem and I still struggle with anxiety but my anxiety isn’t over fear of things going wrong anymore, my anxiety is just an overwhelming feeling making me freeze or feel so restless and make my heart race sometimes and I have no explanation or reason as to why. Also the anxiety linked to my low self-esteem as I explained in the previous post with being unable to perform in front of others and doubting my ability to succeed. As for depression, I don’t have its lies anymore because I’m back in remission and I see things from a realistic perspective and I am able to evaluate my emotions in a realistic perspective. I don’t really want to die, depression’s pain made me want to die. I don’t believe that I am worthless, too damaged and unlovable because I also see all I’ve overcome, all I’ve been able to achieve, how I become when I am back to me again and free from depression and traits from my personality develop that are actually pretty awesome. Yeah, I just said I am awesome. Feels super weird because I don’t think I ever have. I’m an empath which means I feel too much and hurt easily but I also love the hell out of people and care. I may be sensitive but I am also intuitive and I am strong enough to easily raise my voice and speak out against people’s unjustified opinions, basically, as my friend put it; my inner bitch can come out if it needs to, and sometimes it does. Also, I’m not all serious. I can be incredibly silly and sarcastic and funny and dramatic if I want and I actually enjoy it quite much, especially with friends. Also, I am spiritual and I am not moved easily by resistance in my beliefs and if it wasn’t for my spirituality, my heart would’ve been incredibly empty. So basically what I’m saying is, just because depression distorts your mind and your heart is thrown down into the depths of pain, it doesn’t mean that is what you are and if anyone judges your character by it, feel free to walk as far away from them as possible.
What are your current wishes for right now and for the future and what are you going to do about it?
My wishes for right now are nothing earth shattering. Right now, I have just started finding my feet again. Right now I have just started living again and started loving parts of it again. Right now I am still working hard in every area of my life; physical health, mental health, my studies and taking time for myself. So right now, I am just learning to find my strength again and so, I am not in a place of wishing and dreaming, I am more in a state of just being. Right now, if I had to wish for anything, it would be for gaining confidence and being happy. It’s pretty basic and it’s all I want really; to develop myself continuously and grow in character and live for things that make me smile.
Wishes for the future I do have. There are still things I want in life and dream of. I want to be a Doctor and open up my own practice and maybe immigrate. I want to believe that there is someone out there who can love me and whom I can spend the rest of my life with. Right now, I don’t know if I believe that that’ll happen for me and my heart is somewhat hurting a little still. Having been in 3 relationships over the past 2 years (yeah, I know, too much) there was one of those three that impacted me the most and that was most real to me and there are days my heart has a pang of missing that person. So I am still in a stage of healing from all this and even thinking of being in a relationship again ignites my fight or flight system in the fear of getting hurt and in all truth, I have enough on my plate and don’t need any more hits right now. But I’d be a liar if I said I never want to try again. Just not right now. I also hope for depression to never hit me as hard as it did and that I will only grow in wholeness and have it well-controlled. I’ve said before I want to be a Psychiatrist, but I am afraid it might trigger me as I do get easily triggered by stories of other people’s severe depression and suicide attempts. I couldn’t handle “13 Reasons Why” or “Girl Interrupted” or a book called “Perfect Chaos” which is about a woman who went through depression and her journey and she recounts the events up to how she recovered and now she is a great mental health advocate. Even though it is so inspiring, our stories were similar on a few levels and it left me feeling very down for a while. But nonetheless, I still want to specialise in Psychiatry because firstly, I am truly interested in it and the brain fascinates me. Secondly, I want to fight for this cause in which ever way I can and so many people don’t get proper help. I don’t think I could ever do a job which my heart isn’t truly into and so, this is what my heart has chosen. I believe there are ways one can learn to adapt and separate your own emotions from those of others and that is something I’ll have to work on.