First there comes the love you’ve been waiting for your entire life. The days where you smile, you laugh and you pour out your heart into someone else’s.
Everything’s fine, everything’s great, everything’s glorious and for the first time in a long time you feel less alone and accepted for who you are.
Then comes the time of giving your body away and feelings grow stronger and you know you’ve crossed a line of giving a part of yourself away that you could never uncross again. It’s okay with you, because you’ve let yourself be vulnerable in every way you could in order to give someone everything you could and in return, you hope they will keep giving you their heart.
But then the more you give, the less you get. Then comes the time of silently drifting away and you’re suddenly standing and fighting alone. And you’d never know why. You’d never know the reason, because he could never care enough to tell you. But you remain good for one thing and that’s your body.
You break and cry and hurt while he’s okay and you realise everything you loved really was a lie. No, not because you’re feeling victimised and bitter, but because months later he calls you up again just to break you like a promise. Months later he asks for your body again and digs out the stitches you just managed to put in the pieces of your heart. The pieces that would make you you again and you want to be yourself again but you never could find her.
So you’re lost, you never really did manage to be the old you that you were before him. You never did manage to be a good woman of God again. You rearranged yourself for a man who refused to change and in doing so, you rearranged God out of your life and you never seem to find him again.
You’re already broken and already hurt and alone so when he calls you up after you spent another week trying to forget that you care, you say yes. You let him take control of you because deep down you refuse to believe he doesn’t care. Yet, you know he doesn’t. You ask him if he still cares about you and wants to be with you, but you get silence. There’s your answer. You get ready to leave and you’re coldly greeted like a stranger he just met. “Don’t go catching feelings… Can’t wait until next time…”
Here you are… Going from being cared about deeply to being seen as an “item” at his disposal. Why did you let this happen? Why when he called you up did you say yes again? Stubborn heart, don’t you ever learn?? He doesn’t care about you. Stop. But you can’t. Because how can you let go of feelings you felt for him when he keeps coming back and how can you say no when the only thing that will make you stop aching is the person who is the reason behind the ache?
You tell yourself you’re hurting and you will always hurt, so what difference does it make…
But what you really want to say is;
“I want to be dirty with you, but I also want to be thirty with you. I want you to make me scream, but I also want you to kiss our kids’ other cheek as they leave for college at eighteen. I want you to place teeth marks on both of my thighs but I also want your handwritten wedding vows to make my bigoted grandparents cry. And I want you to know that you can have it your way, but please, for the love of God, STAY.”