So I have been quiet on this blog. Life just took over and I had to focus on what was most important; my husky’s epilepsy, ridding myself of the poison from a man, and my Obstetrics and Gynaecology rotation which worked me to the bone. There was little room for anything else and every next level of your life really does demand a different version of you. I have been feeling out of sorts the past couple of weeks and I just couldn’t really pin down what was up with me. I mean, yeah, I was stressed, but I very much am used to being chronically exhausted and sleepless from Medical school at this point. No, there was something deeper.
I realised I was mentally busy transitioning again to a different person from who I was before and although it felt, and still feels odd, I realise it is a good transition. One that will enable me to face the levels life is starting to demand from me. I don’t know if anyone else reading this can relate to these “big transitions” that happen as life shapes us. I have probably come across this feeling three times in my life, knowing I am shedding my skin and my mind is taking on a new perception and my character is about to shift significantly. One where you just know… You’re different.
I realised these changes as I went through the days and heard myself speak and saw myself act differently. It was almost like I was seeing myself from an outsiders point of view and this person said things and did things in ways I never imagined I would. Words just basically came as they wanted, no filters, in a voice that was strong and secure and, for the first time in my life, I wasn’t second guessing myself. I had started fully embracing my ability to be funny and dramatic, speaking to random strangers, speaking to Doctors and taking full control of every situation given to me without fear. Yes, that was the word I was looking for; “fearless” and me? I’ve never before been completely and utterly fearless. But this odd feeling is kind of like my brain and heart still have to catch up with each other.
I sat in my therapist’s office a while back and told her, I feel like I don’t know myself anymore and that somewhat scares the crap out of me. It somewhat makes me feel detached from everything and everyone around me. It happened right after a few final straws… After a man had hurt me badly. After several encounters with people who seemed to have only one interest and that was to satisfy their selfish needs and all the words that came out of my mouth in response seemed to just drift up into a black, meaningless sky. After almost losing the one thing I had left that made my heart smile and believe in love; a big ball of black and white fur with ice-blue eyes. The thing is, when you lose people through death or friendships and lovers are lost in ugly ways that seem to negate whatever you believed was real and true, your heart thinks, “Oh well, I will love again.” But there comes a point where, when history repeats itself in relentless circles and you encounter person after person after person who makes you feel insignificant and unheard, your heart just gets fed up. You finally get to the point where you feel it’s okay to be intolerant now, because I have no more life left in me to tolerate anything less than what I deserve and believe in.
We very much live in a sugarcoated world with the raw reality being swept under the rug. We don’t say what we need to or live up to the roles we have constructed. We pretend we do. I have come to the point where I am tired of games, of broken people breaking other people, of indecisiveness from those around me, of floating in the wind… I am doing what I came here to do in every aspect of my life. I know exactly what I want and am intolerant to anything less. Because previously, I shrunk myself down to fit into other people’s worlds and views. But now, I will gladly be a lone wolf in my own. Previously, I let my brokenness define me, but now it has built me.
So, I realised eventually that what I had become is one incredibly resilient person who runs on directness, being blunt, no longer fearing the world around me and filling a role that requires a voice. My heart somewhat hardened and where I always used to be at the mercy of its thousands of emotions running wild, my heart is now more at the mercy of my mind.
For a long time, and probably still, I wanted to be bullet proof. I wanted to believe I had thick skin resilient to daggers. I wanted to be superhuman. But in all of our human fallacy, we can’t. We can delude ourselves that we are. We can become ignorant, disillusioned, in denial and learn very well to close the floodgates, but we cannot get rid of this “ailment” of feeling and being affected by life and by people. We can only shut ourselves down and hide because vulnerability is scary and painful.
So right now, even though I’m resilient and progressing in life, I am still hurting and I freely admit that. I am not made of stone, I still very much have a heart of flesh but I’ve learned how to help it stop bleeding. Right now, I do feel somewhat like a ghost just roaming around alone. I do have moments where I have this sudden, intense feeling of isolation and I’m somewhat saddened as my mind recalls why. I have moments where I feel low and then cry. But I am still very much able to be fully me; to dance, to laugh, to joke around, to speak freely and reach out, and if right now I still feel sad and empty in the midst of all those things, I still acknowledge the change in me and I embrace it fully. Being vulnerable but strong at the same time takes a lot of courage and growth and learning. So I guess it really is possible to be broken and whole at the same time. ❤