You’re Going To Fail But You’ve Got To Rise Again

You’re going to fail no matter how hard you try to be perfect. No matter how hard you work and all the effort you put into everything in your life. No matter your attempts to make everything fall according to plan, and despite the meticulous step-by-step path you create for yourself, sometimes you’re going to slip. Sometimes you’re going to mess up. Sometimes you’re not going to measure up, you’re going to falter, you’re going to let yourself and others down, you’re going to trip and land flat on your back. You’re going to fail.

But that’s okay.

No one in this world is perfect. No one has it all together, despite the photos and social media posts and smiling faces when you happen to bump into that person in public. No one is getting through life unscathed. No one is continuously on the up-and-up, never having a moment where they make a mistake or feel empty.

We’re all in this mess of life, trying to fight through, trying to make sense of our troubles, trying to find love and companionship and answers and hope.

And in this mess, we’re going to experience triumph and success and happiness, and we’re going to fail—that’s just how it is. But you cannot let the moments you falter change your course. You cannot let what brings you down shift your future, your perspective, your purpose.

You’re going to fail, and fail hard. But that doesn’t mean you’re any less of a person.

You cannot let the moments you slip change your self-image. Just because you messed up or went through something awful doesn’t mean that you are unworthy. It doesn’t mean that you need to carry your pain around with you like a badge on your chest for everyone to see.

You’re going to lose people you really cared about. You’re going to feel like your heart was dragged in dirt. You’re going to aim for a promotion or raise and not get it. You’re going to experience physical pain, mental pain of exhaustion and emotional pain you cannot comprehend at times. You’re going to create beautiful things and you might lose beautiful things. You’re going to fail.

But you’re going to learn too. You’re going to grow. You’re going to take the ways that life has defeated you, and turn them around into lessons. You’re going to find new wings and fly all over again.

Because defeat does not and should not ever define you. And you can’t let it.

So take the negative moments of your life and try to see the positive. Keep your head up and crawl through the lowest times until you can find your footing again. Don’t be afraid of starting over and letting go of that which no longer serves you. Don’t be afraid of continuing on through your brokenness.

You will be okay. You just have to hold on through the hard times and lean into the good. You have to know that life may always have difficulties but that doesn’t mean it can’t be good.

You have to remind yourself of all that you’ve pushed through already and the strength within you. And you have to take the courage, the will, the fight from inside yourself and battle back.

It’s a bad day maybe. Maybe a bad week or a bad month or a bad circumstance. But as clichèd as this may sound… It’s not a bad life. Remind yourself of that and move forward, never letting what has defeated you convince you that you will never rise again.

Because you can. And you will.

When You Feel Like You’re Failing At Life

I realised life is always a challenge of being in or out. Right or wrong. Enough or not. The right fit or the wrong fit. Accepted or rejected. Chosen or left behind. Winner or loser. Making the cut or not making the cut. Every single thing in life seems to have a line and your constant battle is to cross the right side of it. You battle for a job. You battle for a relationship. You battle to be loved. You battle to stay healthy. You battle for being acknowledged. Everything seems to have become a question of either enough or not at all. There is no in between. You gain or you lose. And that is hard and messed up most days.

Yesterday I received some unfortunate news. Currently, I am a final year medical student and honestly, life is tough. Not only is medicine something that takes you several years to complete, meaning you’re kind of old when you get there, it saps you from all strength and time to live a full life. You give up your life to save someone else’s in more ways than people think. In every way. Having never failed an exam throughout my 6 years, today I was told I did not pass my surgical exams and need to repeat them in June. Talk about feeling like an epic, idiotic failure. Knowing I’ve started at the top and been through many hurdles to get where I am it now feels like they’ve pushed me down to the bottom, where I mostly crawl to move through and carry on, when you hit a wall that makes you doubt your capabilities and you realise life seems like you’re just having fall after fall, you tend to wonder… What if I’m done? What if I’m too ruined… Too damaged… Too far gone to keep going and my mind has hit a wall it cannot get past? And time isn’t waiting. You look around you and see people your age married, some with children and some so far ahead in life and you’re just here crawling through with no strength of mind or body to even try live for more and yet you try anyway. You’re working so hard to keep the air moving in and out of your lungs and you’re trying to be enough to make the cut. But what if trying to be enough is a fight you’re sick of fighting?

I have the habit of kicking myself more when I’m already on the ground and my mind runs in a million different directions, considering every single choice I’ve made and am yet to make, where I am going and is it where I still should head? Planning for plan B, C and D in case you break irreperably and you’re cornered. My mind jumps ahead to every single possible outcome. Am I going to be able to be mentally strong enough to survive this world and reach more than just crawling and falling and lagging behind? Am I ever going to be enough? Enough for someone else, enough for the world and enough for myself. Because really, all it ever seems one is trying to do is prove one’s adequacy because that is how the world now works. The world’s greatest question is, “How adequate are you?”

Not all of you have the same career path but I believe many of you face the same choices and struggles and have thoughts that run away with your sanity when it’s 2AM and you’re lying in bed, staring at the ceiling amidst the blackness you’re submerged in. Your life is just not how you thought it would be and you’re just not where you thought you’d be… Right? Crawling and just getting by and having walls hit you in the face with a tired mind being stretched to limits you aren’t sure you can hold onto much longer.

It’s one hell of a fight you need to fight. The bad news? It’s never going to be less of a fight. You are always going to have a fight to fight. One morning in my anger towards life I wrote this; “Well, life goes on, right? Even if it hurts, even if you bleed, even if you fall and even of you cry. You can’t control it. You can’t change it. Even if your heart breaks. Even if you’re tired. It just. Goes. On. Because what can you do? What can you say? You cannot bend the rules. You just have to go on. Even if it isn’t fair. Even if you’re tired. Even if you feel stuck. You are choiceless. You go on. Because life demands it and you cannot break its rules.” Those are pretty direct words that are like ice water being thrown over your head while you sleep.

So then how do you keep motivating yourself to keep doing this? How do you get yourself to the point where you want to wake up every morning without dread? Without wondering why everything you love always gets taken away from you no matter how hard you fight and bleed for it. You just do. You crawl your way through if you have to. You keep moving forward one day at a time and you have hope that everything will work out for the best. Even if you don’t understand it. Even if it hurts you tremendously. You take the hits and you stand. Life is just a gamble. You would never know how great or bad it might be but you don’t get to give up on it because that means you gave up on yourself. You’re already hurt, you’re already in pain. So get a reward from it. And if at the end of the day there wasn’t a reward, you rest in the fact knowing you didn’t back down, you didn’t quit and that makes you brave and strong. You know you fought with dignity. You need to know that.

You need to also remember that everything happens in its own time for everyone. No one has the same story, the same monsters to fight, the same thoughts and approach to life. You are the sum total of every moment of your life and no one had those same moments. So you can’t constantly compare yourself to others and feel like you are less than. What matters is that you have a hope of a place where you’d like to be and you are repeatedly deciding every single day to get up for that hope. Even if you do it with a broken heart, you don’t stop. And through the process, even if it’s hard, you have to try to persistently find the beauty within something in it. No matter how small. Even if you pretend to believe until someday you actually really believe.

Faith is all we have. Faith and moments. Moments that are gut wrenchingly terrible and painful, moments that just are, moments that are great and moments that are beautiful. In all these billions of moments you will have in your life I can guarantee you, you will have moments that feel significant and worth it. I could say live for those moments, but I rather want to say, live for all moments. Even the difficult ones and painful ones. They touch you in ways that change something in you – ignites a feeling, a thought… That ultimately leads to a choice, an action or a lesson.

Life is tough my darling, but so are you.

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When You’re Strong But Tired Of Loving and Not being Loved In Return

What is strength?

Strength is believing in love when you’ve only known heartache.

It’s drying your own tears that no one knew you cried.

Strength is overcoming your own demons or voices screaming at you to give up.

And looking at someone who completely broke you, yet forgiving them.

Strength is helping others even when you, yourself haven’t quite figured it out yet.

It’s trusting everyone even though you have every reason not to.

Strength is biting your tongue when someone is unkind and realising it’s a reflection of them and not of you.

It’s holding on and believing in something you know you deserve but haven’t gotten yet.

Strength is when everyone doubts you but you believe in yourself anyway.

But the truth is, you may be strong but you’re also tired.

Tired of being hurt every time you get your hopes up.

Tired of anticipating the worst and watching it play out.

Tired of being let down and always blaming yourself for things that were out of your control.

Tired of people telling you that you neThey  to change and then everytime you try to you lose yourself in an attempt to make them happy.

Tired of constantly being challenged and always having to be the bigger person.

Tired of thinking too much of people who care too little. And trying so, so hard to please others when you don’t ask for much in return.

Tired of staying up at night as thoughts consume you and you cannot sleep.

Tired of carrying this weight on your shoulders of the past that haunts you.

Tired of the explanations that came too late and holding the door for people who leave and being the one to say, “I’ll miss you.”

The truth is caring as much as this hurts. 

But on the other end of such intense strength of emotions is knowing a love so deep that it fills you despite anyone’s absence. Despite a sadness which you can’t shake on most days, you’ll experience a happiness that makes it worth it.

The truth is, if you ask any person like this what they would choose, they wouldn’t change anything about themselves even if they are tired.

They wouldn’t change because caring is who they are ingrained to be. Without caring and loving too much, they lose their purpose and identity and that is never worth the price.

The things that make you tired are also the things that make you you. The things that make you constantly seek for goodness and a light in the dark. The things that make you see beauty amidst the pain. These things that make you tired are the things that make you fight and the things that make you fight are things that remind you of your true self who does not stand for anything less than what he/she believes.

So it is okay to be tired and strong at the same time. It’s okay because you know despite the pain of endings, you’ll look forward to new beginnings and even though you resist in fear, you won’t back down because you know you’ll always keep believing in new beginnings because when you get it right, it’s worth it.

The truth is, regardless of how tired or hurt or disappointed you feel, the fact that you haven’t changed is why you are so great just the way you are. Pain changes most people but for some they see pain simply as the other end of the same spectrum that love is on, so they stay the path and keep their heads high.