A Letter To Everyone Hurting Me Right Now

This week has been one which has started off hard. One in which I needed people close to me to care more about me than they ever did before. But one in which they haven’t. See, I have had a relapse into severe depression after my Doctor halved one of my meds in an attempt to improve my memory and finally start the getting off it process. What does that mean? What does it mean to have a severe depressive relapse? Well let me enlighten you. It means my heart hurts so incredibly badly that I cry in sobs every day and don’t know why. It means my body feels too weak to stand up. It means my mind is overwhelmed with thoughts that make me worry. It means I need the world to stop for a bit before my mind tells my heart too. But what that means for you;

It means you do not get to judge me or push me away

It means you do not get to make this about you

It means you need to encourage me and love me every day

It means you need to be around to sit and listen if my heart feels overwhelmed

It means you need to tell me you love me and hold my hand when I am afraid

It means you need to tell me things will be okay

It means you need to show up. Even if you say or do nothing.

And it means I shouldn’t have to ask for any of this.

It means you need to support me with each step.

It means you need to stick by me through good and bad times.

It really isn’t that excruciatingly hard. I look around me and see people in the hospital having family and friends visit and I see how they are hugged and held and listened too. I see how the same people consistently show up every day. And I wonder why you won’t show up for me even one day. I see how they are still appreciated for the type of people they truly are regardless of whether they are sick and I only hear your distance and silence when it comes to me. I am alone. I have never felt more alone. You are the people who mean the most to me in the world and I’d do anything for you yet you couldn’t even treat me with kindness. You couldn’t even call me and ask me about my day or tell me you love me and things will be okay. You couldn’t even send me a nice text message. There will be many times things are about you and times things will be about us and times things will be about me. The latter is one of those times. Because my heart is both angry and hurt that I am in a forest fighting demons alone and you couldn’t even offer me a flashlight or pack me food for my journey or send me off with a hug. You wanted perfection and that I am not. But what I am is a person who has fought her way through hell and back and kept pushing to get ahead. What I am is a person who loves the hell out of the people around her and always strives to make them laugh. But right now, that person is tired and cannot do those things and needs you to be that. And sadly you aren’t. You still just expect. And that isn’t fair. 

I needed one of you to be a boyfriend.

I needed one of you to be a father.

And was that really too much to ask? Because I’ve been disappointed by men too many times and I am tired now. 

I just needed you to care

I just needed you to show up

You Have To Love Someone Without Fear

You have to love someone without fear. You have to trust in things you can’t always see. Sometimes you have to walk with a blindfold on. You won’t always know where you’re going. There’s never a guarantee.

When we love, there’s always the risk of a bruised heart. Egos take a few steps back. Loving someone requires belief in the unbelievable. It requires leaping without looking. It means being scared, but going for it anyway. It means knowing things might not work out, but giving it a shot.

You have to love someone without fear. You have to find the courage to open yourself up to another human being. You need to learn to be okay with vulnerability. Doesn’t mean it’s easy. Doesn’t mean the nerves won’t find you. But fear will hold you back from fully loving, and from being fully loved.

There’s an entire world waiting for you. There’s a universe that exists just for you and another person. Exploration means bravery. It means taking a dive. It means holding out your hands and hoping someone will grab onto them. Love means hoping someone is going to catch you. Love is thinking they will. Love is giving it a damn chance.

Maybe you’ll be hurt. Maybe they’ll be days when your walls are thicker than the desire to let someone in. I understand. Letting someone see you is frightening. Letting someone love you, love every single piece of you is daunting.

There’s a quote widely attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt that says, “Do one thing every day that scares you.”

Let that thing be love.

You have to love someone without fear, even if it’s there in the beginning. It’s okay to be afraid, but don’t let that close you off. Don’t let fear dictate what you do, or who you love, or how you love.

The hardest things to do often become things we’re forever grateful for. Love is no exception.

Love someone without fear. Even if it’s the scariest thing you’ll ever do.

Let Her…

Let her wear that red lipstick.

Let her wear those heels.

Let her wear her hair like she wants to.

Let her put mascara and eyeliner on.

Let her paint her nails whichever colour she likes.

Let her laugh, be crazy and silly from time to time.

Let her hug you from behind and hold her hands around your waist.

Don’t tell her you don’t mind and it’s her body but secretly wished she looked differently and acted differently.

Don’t say things and not mean them later.

You liked her for her heart, soul and mind, didn’t you?

And if not, walk away from the start and don’t break her heart.

You’re the man, so act like one.

One who respects women and doesn’t dominate them.

You’re certainly not perfect and she doesn’t mind.

So love her craziness. Embrace her laughter and who she is without wanting to change her. 

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

You don’t get to decide what a woman should be.

You don’t own that kind of power.