You’re Going To Fail But You’ve Got To Rise Again

You’re going to fail no matter how hard you try to be perfect. No matter how hard you work and all the effort you put into everything in your life. No matter your attempts to make everything fall according to plan, and despite the meticulous step-by-step path you create for yourself, sometimes you’re going to slip. Sometimes you’re going to mess up. Sometimes you’re not going to measure up, you’re going to falter, you’re going to let yourself and others down, you’re going to trip and land flat on your back. You’re going to fail.

But that’s okay.

No one in this world is perfect. No one has it all together, despite the photos and social media posts and smiling faces when you happen to bump into that person in public. No one is getting through life unscathed. No one is continuously on the up-and-up, never having a moment where they make a mistake or feel empty.

We’re all in this mess of life, trying to fight through, trying to make sense of our troubles, trying to find love and companionship and answers and hope.

And in this mess, we’re going to experience triumph and success and happiness, and we’re going to fail—that’s just how it is. But you cannot let the moments you falter change your course. You cannot let what brings you down shift your future, your perspective, your purpose.

You’re going to fail, and fail hard. But that doesn’t mean you’re any less of a person.

You cannot let the moments you slip change your self-image. Just because you messed up or went through something awful doesn’t mean that you are unworthy. It doesn’t mean that you need to carry your pain around with you like a badge on your chest for everyone to see.

You’re going to lose people you really cared about. You’re going to feel like your heart was dragged in dirt. You’re going to aim for a promotion or raise and not get it. You’re going to experience physical pain, mental pain of exhaustion and emotional pain you cannot comprehend at times. You’re going to create beautiful things and you might lose beautiful things. You’re going to fail.

But you’re going to learn too. You’re going to grow. You’re going to take the ways that life has defeated you, and turn them around into lessons. You’re going to find new wings and fly all over again.

Because defeat does not and should not ever define you. And you can’t let it.

So take the negative moments of your life and try to see the positive. Keep your head up and crawl through the lowest times until you can find your footing again. Don’t be afraid of starting over and letting go of that which no longer serves you. Don’t be afraid of continuing on through your brokenness.

You will be okay. You just have to hold on through the hard times and lean into the good. You have to know that life may always have difficulties but that doesn’t mean it can’t be good.

You have to remind yourself of all that you’ve pushed through already and the strength within you. And you have to take the courage, the will, the fight from inside yourself and battle back.

It’s a bad day maybe. Maybe a bad week or a bad month or a bad circumstance. But as clichèd as this may sound… It’s not a bad life. Remind yourself of that and move forward, never letting what has defeated you convince you that you will never rise again.

Because you can. And you will.

Healthy, Happy And Hurting

I know, that title hardly makes any sense. How can one be healthy, happy and hurting altogether? Usually when I sift through my mind and try to summarise my general state of being from all the thoughts and feelings I’ve gathered, I come up with the answer of broken or whole, content or anxious, in a good place or in a terrible place or just not even in a place. It’s like a constant question my heart keeps asking me is, “Are we okay? Will I keep beating?” There have been times my head undoubtedly screamed yes and other times where my head uncertainly, quietly whispered no. Today in asking myself that question again, as I seem to do most days, my answer is a blend.

Looking back to the past has its benefits. As I was paging through photos from the past decade up until now my head relived some of those times comparing them to now. Comparing my new self to my old self. While I stared back at the younger me I felt like I still knew her so well but that I also no longer am or know her at all, I just remember what it was like to walk in her shoes. And in realising that, I felt both loss and gain. I may be sounding very vague right now in this ambivalence so let me clarify.

I have been waking up every day for this year thinking the answer to my heart’s constant question is a no. No, because I subjected my heart to once again being shredded by a man, I subjected my heart to the striking blow of failure, I subjected it to days of doubt and immense sadness and I’ve subjected it to regret. The person typing all this right now has a heart that is in the state of the after effects of all that subjectivity and so, of course in its frazzled state my answer to it every morning is no. No, we are not okay. We are just trying to be. Possibly, we are even living in a facade of “okayness” that’s bound to come crashing down inevitably. But then I see myself a couple of years ago, I really see myself, and I feel the feelings she felt and remember the thoughts that she had and I realise, she really didn’t know the answers to any outcomes she thought she had predicted. She had predicted pain, yes. And she was right in that sense, yes. But pain, she should’ve realised, is never a defining factor of her heart’s question of “Will we be okay? Will I keep beating?” Pain is a constant one lives with. 

There will always be pain. Always. In some form or another. I don’t believe there is a constant period of absolute bliss in one’s head and heart. Not even a day of absolute bliss. So if that is your life goal, you may want to give up on that now. Absolutes all too often don’t exist. In addition what I realised was how little the life you’re living and the one you’re striving for is the goal of happiness. Why? Because it’s unpredictable, not a constant and even chaotic at times. So what do we do to live? We shift our focus to our state of mind and leave behind our focus on the environment we find ourselves in. We work towards a healthy mind and then we can withstand the chaos and walk in peace right within it.

I lived a life of having a depressed mind with distorted views, misconceptions and immense anxiety of feeling out of control of my life and what I wanted, where I was supposed to be and the fact that I wasn’t. I remember the depths of the depths I was submerged in in the pain. I will never forget that intense pain when I was at my very worst state in depression and comparing that to the person I am now, I am beyond thankful for not being in that place anymore and I know how to not ever be in that place again by changing the way my mind thinks and views its state of being and shifting my focus. So I realise, I am now indeed healthy and in that healthiness there is happiness and amidst that, I am still hurting, but I am okay. I am good. 

Tell Me… (Personal Poem)

Tell me…

Was this the life you wanted? Or did you make too many mistakes

Leading to a twisting path and feelings of dreadful hate

Was this the life you wanted to live and would you be brave enough to change?

Could you find the courage to jump the ship when you’ve boarded the wrong one sailing to a destiny that wasn’t yours to take

I understand if you can’t or won’t, because I couldn’t do it either

Sometimes you’ve just sailed too far and it’s not something you get to cry over

So on this ship I charge ahead with the salt and winds blowing in my face

Because if I threw myself overboard I would drown without a trace

Is this then the end of my heart-filled dreams and desires I cannot control

Because all I wanted and all I needed wasn’t on this ship I boarded

But you don’t get to climb a mountain and then suddenly walk back down

It’s a journey that you consciously chose and you need to earn its crown

Even if you hate the days and the cold winds seep into your bones

You’ve got to make this journey your own and in it find something that belongs to your heart alone

Finding even a speck of love or beauty that you desire…

It just has to now become enough and with a goal that leaves you inspired

I know it’s hard and you feel sea sick but just hold on to the sides

Because perhaps one day you’ll arrive at shore and be thankful you embraced the tides

Could you ever be this wonderful being if it wasn’t for the pain

For pain will pass even if storms come and you’ll learn to dance in the rain